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13
Laws for Parents
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Law
of belonging. The greatest need of teenagers (after music and the phone),
is a strong sense of belonging. They need to feel they are a part of something
bigger than themselves. If they don't get it in a healthy place - with family,
worthwhile friends, clubs, sports, youth groups, etc. - they will get it in
an unhealthy place, with inappropriate friends, drugs, gangs or cults. The
parents' job is to make sure they get it in a healthy place, even if they
don't like it all the time.
Law
of hope. Recent statistics show that the only age group in which the suicide
rate is rising is adolescents. This is the direct result of a lack of hope
- hope for the future, hope that things will get better.
Law
of power. Once you enter into a power struggle with a teen, you have already
lost it. Remember the closing line of the movie "War Games", "Interesting
game...the only move is not to play."
Law
of control. Trying to control a teen is like trying to put pants on a
gorilla. It's just going to frustrate you and really irritate the gorilla.
Law
of management. A management approach to raising teens puts parents clearly
in charge. The goal is to manage them eventually out of your lives and into
their own. Parenting is one of those jobs in which the goal is to eliminate
the need for your job.
Law
of voice. In a well-functioning family, teens always get a voice. They
just don't always get to vote. Consistently violate either side of this equation
and you've got trouble.
Law
of modeling. If you don't want your teen doing something, make sure you
don't do it yourself. Teens have very strong "hypocrisy meters"
- and are eager to use them.
Law
of consequences. Consequences teach teens about the real world. In general,
consequences need to be reasonable, respectful, swift and strong enough to
get teens' attention.
Law
of structure, part 1. Parents need to set boundaries and structure from
day one. If you don't do this while they are young, what makes you think they
will obey a curfew when they have a car?
Law
of structure, part 2. Child therapist Art Cleveland says, "We tend
to over-structure the time of children and under-structure the time of teenagers."
Teens need boundaries and structure just as much as children do, if not more.
Law
of 20 feet. This law states that at a certain age, you must walk at least
20 feet away from your teen if you are in a public place. Thirty feet if you're
in the mall.
Law
of the W's. When teens are away from home, parents need to know who they
are with, where they are, what they are doing and what time they will be back.
Article
was originally written by Jeff Herring for the Gainesville
Sun. Jeff Herring is a family therapist and professional speaker in Tallahassee.